After my last blog, looks like crashing into depression is taking longer and approaching closer than I thought. I’m suspended in the manic air space. I did not expect my day to turn out like it did, but I went from waking up depressed-like, being quiet half the morning to having a blast and being all euphoric most of the afternoon to angered, raged and irritated, then came the racy brain and the sudden jolt of energy I thought had finished and the time now is 7:50pm. I seriously have no idea which direction I’m going, and I HATE change. I guess every bipolar despises change because look where I am, in my room, downing a whole lot of Seroquel to put myself to rest.

Let me tell you this now, a dysfunctional sort of family is a trigger. MY trigger. It didnt even take 10 mins for the dysphoric part to kick into action. I’ve been up and down and up and down all day today, rapid cycling is not for me. NOT. I’m FUMING. I mean bloody hell, my mum is pissing me off, my dad pisses me off on a daily basis, my siblings well… I dont even wanna go there. They contribute like 75% towards my mania and 85% towards my depression. They are the reason I close myself away and cut. They get inside my head too much that I feel like exploding. They dont even treat me as family.

Mum and Dad have their own problems between themselves, Mum is sorting out two alcoholics in the family, Dad is doing other things outside the family, recently found out I have another sibling, other siblings dont actually care about life, they think that by not acknowledging their surroundings wont hurt them. Look where they are now. Mum has some sort of depression i which she’s in denial about although she keeps on banging on that she’s stressed out and depressed ?? Where does that leave me and all my problems? With me.

I drink a lot, I’ve smoked everything in the world, I have personal problems, I see a psychiatrist regularly, I battle everyday to stay sane, and I’m doing this all on my own. I told my mum about my problems before I got diagnosed and I had been put on medication. Everyone telling me to trust my family and tell them because they will help me, all this time I’ve told them it will be like talking to a brick wall and that they dont believe in mental health and insanity (even though my dad specializes in Mental Health?!) And all I got as a form of support was “Get off the meds, they will chuck you into a mental ward, do it by yourself” That was literally a joke, and here I am laughing in the faces of those who told me to trust my parents. That was the first and last time I would mention anything to do with my mental health and to this day they never asked how my medication was going, how I am feeling and if they wanted to come with me to my appointments.

So what do I do in times like these especially? I cut. To release the pain I thought I never had on my body. Heck, I’m doing it now. If I’m going to suffer I might aswell suffer in my own silence, because these lot will never hear me out. It’s like mental health is a curse. They just simply dont believe in it, I never believed it would happen to me and now that I have it, I’m struggling. I dont know everything there is to know about bipolar and everyday I learn something new. I have to stick it out, no choice in the matter.

It’s days like this where I know depression is closing in, and I can’t stop it. Nothing has been positive the past two days.

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