So I've been gone for the past 4 months. Im sorry about that. Apart from tackling a very active bipolar brain, I also suffer from scoliosis. I went for surgery, to correct a 50 degree curve in my spine. What was life like before my surgery? Hard. To be in constant pain just because your not sitting correctly on a chair or a sofa, or to stand weird to suit the nature of your curve to avoid pain. What was my current status shortly after I found out about having surgery? Agitated depression. I couldnt hold the thought of being cut open down half the length of my back and singing "I am titanium" for the rest of my life. At this point, I was scared for my recovery, physically and mentally. I had never experienced intense racing thoughts for as long as 2 months. I was prepping myself for July to undergo surgery. For the first time I went to an appointment with my mum to see my psychiatrist and it was then we informed her and my care co-ordinator about the surgery I was about to have. 
The contents of my racing mind.

Panic, unanswered questions, questions that werent even relevant, extra appointments, recovery time in hospital, the actual procedure, the state of mind it could force me into, negativity, positivity, what if the surgery went wrong, college schedule, failing, not being able to dance again, possible paralysis, failed spinal fusion. Times all of these thoughts by 2,000. Thats alot to be thinking about in the space of 2 minutes. Over the course of a year I have learned to understand myself mentally, learning to recognise the patterns, but never understanding what they mean from then on. As a result of this I slipped into a manic episode, which had NOTHING to do with elation, quite the very opposite. My mind went so dark yet thoughts buzzed around like an enthusiastic fly . I was so tired yet so restless. I was too irritated to cry yet I never stopped crying. I was depressed, but manic. I didnt know things would have turned out to be this bad, until it turned bad. From being 5 months away from having surgery, 3 weeks after the news a letter came through to say that my surgeon moved the date to March. 2 months to prepare. I entered a state of shock. This was going to be the biggest surgery of my life. After vowing all my life that I'd never break a bone in my body that would require surgery, it seemed to me that I broke the biggest bone in my body. 
Something just came over me...

I had my surgery. The pain afterwards was just too much for life, but I managed to keep it under control. I had predicted before that I would enter into depression, but that wasnt the case. For the first time in my life, I completely forgot about bipolar. I didnt delve into the contents of my mind, I didnt notice any changes in my mood when I was in recovery mode. I was living in the moment. A very very painful and stressful moment, but also very peaceful. It seemed like I could manage the pain of a physical condition, but not a mental one. It just seemed to be a whole lot easier, because people could see the pain right in front of their eyes, and I didnt have to hide it. Everyone was there for me, looked after me and helped me. 

Why wasnt this the same with having a mental illness? I personally dont believe those who say "I could see the pain in her/his eyes" yet when they say they are suffering from deep emotional pain, they dont believe it and contradict themselves to what they just said. Mental illness will always be invisible to the human eye, no one else can see it apart from those who suffer with an illness themselves and those who fully understand about it. We must understand that we may not be understood, and if you have a family who supports you endlessly, lets just say your 100 times more lucky than I and others will ever be.

My bipolar will always remain half fixed, never fully. I hope one day it will.

Leave a Reply.